You probably never expected to hear from me after all this time, but there are some things I want to share with you.
When we first met I never dreamed the impact our relationship would have on my life. Although you denied it, I believe you know in your heart that the baby you asked me to destroy was ours. When you kissed me good-bye at the hospital with the words, “I wish I could believe it was mine,“ I thought I’d never experience anything else so painful. But I was wrong.
I never told you, but I saw our baby after his death ¾ so tiny and fragile. In fact, your visit was only a few minutes after the abortion. That was hard, but I loved you so much that even then I continued to live by the words I wrote across the picture I gave you, “Always remember I love you and would do anything for you.” I did do “anything” for you. I had an abortion to prove my love and to gain yours. It didn’t work, but I’ve learned from that experience. Our relationship changed my life and taught me many important things.
I learned that sex without the commitment of marriage leads to grief and shame and that promises made in a bed of immoral sex are as worthless and fleeting as the desires that spawned them.
I learned about fear as I tried to go it alone ¾ fear of being rejected, and fear of unplanned changes in my life. We were both so afraid of our unborn child and what he would do to our futures that we denied him the right to live. How foolish we were to run in fear from a helpless unborn baby.
I learned about humiliation. . . . That fraternity Christmas party when I was still pregnant and the “gag gift” you received was a pair of baby booties ¾ Tim, it tore me to pieces. And Tim, you hurt me deeply when you convinced your friends to lie and say that they had had sex with me so you wouldn’t be blamed for my pregnancy. But as I lived through the humiliations of our actions, I also learned humility.
Then, too, I learned how angry I could become when I sacrificed our baby and lost you too. How bitter and hate-filled I became over your refusal to accept your responsibility as a father. Through that anger I learned the difficulty of forgiving someone who has deeply wounded me. Even though you hurt me as you did, I now have a deep peace that comes in totally forgiving another person.
I learned about God’s patience as He worked with me and gently pulled me back to Himself. I learned that God was always there for me; I only had to reach out to Him.
I learned to pray for those “who despitefully use me” and to seek God for the strength to forget. I still pray you will come to know the God I love.
I had to learn to let go of the past. That was the hardest thing for me to do. So much of my post-abortion trauma was intricately interwoven with my feelings regarding you, Tim. It took me a long, long time to get over you, to admit you never really cared about me. Even after my marriage to Leigh, thoughts of you controlled my waking and sleeping hours.
Then one day you and your current girlfriend visited us in our home. Do you recall that visit? As you stood before me, the truth about our relationship “hit home,” and the “memories” I had created about our time together dispersed like snowflakes against a warm window. God released me from my emotions, and I was free. It was then that I finally understood the great gift God had given me in my husband Leigh, a man filled with love and compassion, who puts the needs of others first and himself last.
Tim, as I end this letter, please know my prayer for you is:
¾ If you are hurting because our child is dead, you will know the beauty of God’s healing love;
¾ If you are holding anger or hate against me or anyone else for destroying our child, you will learn forgiveness;
¾ That you will find love as I have found it in the form of someone who is willing to share the good and the bad, the pain and the joy, who accepts you as you are, who believes in you, who trusts you completely;
¾ And that one day you will repent of your part in killing our unborn baby. May you turn to the One who understands and can forgive you. May you turn to Jesus and find forgiveness, comfort, and peace.
Tim, I killed our baby to prove my love for you. I was so wrong. God has forgiven me. Will you?
Because of our past, you will always be a part of my memories. But now I have gone forward with my life. I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve learned. They were hard lessons, but I’m thankful God has always been there for me. I forgive you, Tim. Good-bye.
Note: If you have experienced abortion, there may be a “Tim” in your life. This “letter” was written with the prayer that you may find the healing which comes in forgiving.
Text and Artwork Copyright 1990-2017 P J Koerbel. All Rights Reserved.